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CJ Cregg
28 February 2006 @ 01:05 am

It would seem that the past few days have been full of milestones for me.

I've been married for (just over) a year now.
It's been an incredible ride, and I wouldn't change a single instant of it. It has by no means been easy, but it's been more than worth it. I've learned and experienced more than I knew I was capable of. I've loved more deeply than I knew it was possible to love. I am loved absolutely unconditionally. I'm unbelievably lucky.

I've survived two trimesters of pregnancy and begun my third.
The baby is growing and healthy. I'm not sure how I managed to be so lucky, but I'm slowly realizing that this is actually happening. Three months from now, I'm going to be a parent. For all the complaining I do (and I'm aware that I do a good deal of complaining), this is the most amazing thing I've ever done.

Last week's ratings have the show up two points.
I'd forgotten how it felt to be successful at something I love. The more time I put between myself and my time as White House Press Secretary, the more I can see how stifled and miserable I was for the last few years. When I think back on it, though, it's no one's fault but my own. I couldn't forgive, couldn't move forward, and it became so easy to point fingers at everyone else. The truth is, my unhappiness was my own.

My husband is writing again.
Perhaps more a milestone for him than for me, but I'm delighted either way. I've always had a thing for writers. It's one of the worst kept secrets in Washington. That Sam's writing again... It excites me in a way that is somehow tinged with a degree of pride I haven't earned. The thought of seeing words on the page gives me chills.

It's been a long time coming, but I'm happy. Life isn't perfect, but somehow it doesn't need to be. I'm happy, and there's something incredible in that statement.

CJ Cregg
26 February 2006 @ 06:25 pm

A year and a day. There's something undeniably amazing about that. It's somehow even more amazing than simply 'a year'. That we've made it this far astounds me, and yet it's the most natural thing in the world. The future feels somehow brighter than it ever has. I'm calmer, more confident, more content than I knew I was capable of being. I owe it all to him, to us.

The past few days, having him here with me... We're stronger than we've ever been. We're closer, more comfortable, more connected. I'm no longer afraid of him, of his opinions of me, and letting go of that fear, I'm no longer afraid of myself. There's no more awkwardness when I speak of 'my husband', instead, there's pride. I'm married to a man with a phenomenal capacity for love, kindness, and generosity. And his taste in jewelry doesn't hurt either.

A year from now our anniversary will be filled with dirty diapers and formula and all those things that parenthood means. If I were doing this with anyone else I'd be an absolute wreck right now. That I'm doing this with him... Somehow this feels like a second chance at the life I thought I'd screwed up badly enough never to actually get to lead.

I love him more than I have the words to express, and I'm not afraid of that fact. He's the best thing that ever happened to me. I can only hope he knows that.

CJ Cregg
12 February 2006 @ 02:03 am
I envy my husband's ability to sleep as soundly as he does. It's one of those truly remarkable things I feel somehow honored to be allowed to witness. I can only hope that our daughter takes after him, at least when it comes to this. Is it too much to ask to have an infant who sleeps through the night? (If her behavior during the last month is any indication, the answer is a most decisive 'yes'.)

I am, clearly, not sleeping. I blame my assistant who's perky enough that she may soon be my ex-assistant. It would seem that Valentine's Day has come early to the offices of MSNBC, all thanks to Missy. Her resume, by the way, stated that her name was Melissa. During her interview, she answered to Melissa. It was only after I hired her that she informed me she went by Missy. If she'd told me that during the interview, she'd still be job hunting. Who the hell goes by Missy? At any rate, Missy brought a different kind of candy in every day last week, and on Friday she sent me home with a ridiculously large box of Russell Stover chocolates.

Never hand a pregnant woman chocolate unless she asks for it. It's not even good chocolate, and yet I managed to eat the whole damn box. (Carol, you have absolutely no idea how much I miss you. You've always understood that if you bring chocolate for the boss, you bring Godiva.) I now have horrific heartburn and the baby seems to be experiencing her first sugar high. To be fair, I also managed to consume an entire Chocolate Three Way at Citronelle tonight, but only after a good fifteen minutes of inappropriate giggling. I'm blaming Sam for that one, though.

They're calling for more snow tomorrow, and I find myself somehow childishly excited about the prospect. It probably has to do something with the fact that I now hold a job that doesn't require me to fight through DC traffic on the weekends. Why the hell didn't I join the private sector years ago? While the title isn't as grand as White House Press Secretary or Campaign Manager, Rafferty for President, this may be the best job I've ever had. I'm seriously reconsidering the decision I'd made to take the summer off to spend with the baby. I can hire someone to help around the apartment, bring Blob into the office with me... I'm actually happy. I'd managed to forget how that feels.
CJ Cregg
06 February 2006 @ 03:04 am

I'm adding watching the Lifetime channel to the list of things I can't do.

There was some ER knock off showing with doctors trying to separate infant siamese twins. One of them died.

I'm curled up on the couch clutching the latest ultrasound picture and I can't stop shaking.

Everything looks fine. Everything is fine.

Yet here I am in the middle of the night sobbing over some stupid television show.

Nights like this I look around my apartment and I have no idea why I'm here. My best friend has yet to call and offer me an apology. My husband's 3,000 miles away. Toby still hasn't picked up the damn ball and I miss him so badly it physically hurts to think about. Which isn't to say I don't miss Sam or Carol, but it's a different kind of thing. Carol will come around. I'll see Sam later this week. I'm not sure Toby will ever speak to me again.

Right now the apartment seems huge and empty and I feel utterly alone.

Just as I typed that, Blob decided to give me a nice, sharp kick as if to assert her presence. She doesn't seem to understand that when she does that it hurts. And speaking of Blob, if she's as demanding after she's born as she has been this weekend, I'm shoving her into Sam's arms and taking off for Jamaica. I swear I've eaten my weight in Kentucky Friend Chicken, and that's significantly more chicken than it would have been a few months ago. I've also officially given up all hope of ever sleeping through the night again, and my belly button is seems to be growing shallower by the day, and while I may give into the the kid's love of fried 'chicken', I refuse to allow her to push my belly button out. I have no use for a large nipple-like shape sticking out of the middle of my abdomen. It's bad enough that my new breasts (much like the rest of me) have begun to develop what look suspiciously like stretch marks.

I'm tired and sore and lonely and I don't know how to begin fixing everything that's broken around me. But it's all okay because some gossip columnist in a city I hate thinks I've got great legs.

Something's got to give.

CJ Cregg
03 February 2006 @ 02:15 pm

I will not gloat over getting better reviews than Carol.
I will not gloat over getting better reviews than Carol.
I will not gloat over getting better reviews than Carol.

I will also not be offended by the fact that the writer failed to acknowledge that I now have boobs to rival Carol's own stand-up-and-pay-attention rack.

This is not a competition. I don't need to win this one. I will win, but it will be because I'm right, not because I'm better at this particular game than she'll ever be.

At this point, I'd rather lose and have my best friend than win and not.

She gets the weekend to come around on her own, then I'm showing up at her fucking apartment and I'm not leaving until I knock some sense into her.

Life should be so much more than this.

CJ Cregg
18 January 2006 @ 12:32 pm
My husband showed up rather unexpectedly last night, having parted ways with his dolphin, for the first time in a while.

If you all know what's good for you, you'll make no attempt to contact me until Friday afternoon. I'm turning off my phone, ignoring eMail, and probably not checking this thing.

Oh, and my lawyer's looking over a contract with MSNBC for me. By the time I emerge, I should be gainfully employed again, unless there's a clause requiring me to dye my hair green or forego European designers.
CJ Cregg
17 January 2006 @ 12:32 am
I figured my husband was off galavanting around his homestate trying to get elected Governor of California.

No. It seems instead that he's left me for a dolphinCollapse )
CJ Cregg
06 January 2006 @ 02:34 pm
[eMail to Sam's campaign manager, Cole, CCed to Sam, early Friday morning]


Find my husband an event or some such in San Diego this weekend, would you? I'll be flying in this afternoon, as per the First Lady's request. I'm not entirely sure what the hell I'm expected to be doing in San Diego, but if I'm going to be in California, there's really not much of a reason for him to fly back to DC for the weekend, and if he's going to be in San Diego, he may as well shake some hands and have a few pictures taken.


CJ Cregg
04 January 2006 @ 09:01 pm
I've begun reading the food section of the Times and the Post lately, as if I can learn to make food edible simply by looking at text and pretty photographs.

Today, they chose to focus on mac and cheese. Now, I'm quite the fan of mac and cheese, but I'm seriously considering a letter to them.

For the best mac and cheese in the country, you need only take the train down from New York to Union Station and walk a few blocks up to the corner of third and Maryland.

I'm just saying.
CJ Cregg
04 January 2006 @ 02:31 am
I have a job interview in the morning. I don't remember the last time I actually interviewed for a job. Usually, I'm turning down offers. I'm still turning down offers, actually. No one's offering anything I want.

So I have a job interview tomorrow. I have a new suit. I have shoes and a bag and I got my hair dyed today for the first time in far too many weeks.

I have a job interview, and I swear the baby knows it, because every time I'm close to sleep she decides to start swimming around again and it's still a strange enough feeling that it startles me back awake. I've been trying to explain to her that women are expected to work outside the home, that some of us actually really enjoy working, and if she thinks her little sleep deprivation game is going to get her a stay-at-home-mom, she's got another thing coming. She's about six inches long right now. There's no way a woman of my height is taking orders from someone who's shorter than my coffee table. I just need to find a way to convince her of that. Preferably before she gets big enough to do any real damage to my rib cage.

I blame all of this on the fact that Hogan made real coffee the other day and the smell is absolutely heavenly, and still hovering in the apartment. The first thing I'm doing after this kid's born is throwing back a couple shots of espresso.

In the meantime, I'm going back to showing Blob who's boss.

All frustration and exhaustion aside, this is actually pretty damn cool.