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CJ Cregg
01 June 2006 @ 12:14 pm
It was easier to pack up and move across the country when it was just me. I can't get over how much stuff Bella has. It shouldn't surprise me-- it took me almost an hour to get everything together to leave for church on Sunday, and that was just a few hours and a few blocks. And by the way, how the hell am I supposed to manage my purse, my carry-on, Bella's diaper bag, Bella's carrier, and, you know, Bella all at once? You'd think it would get easier when you add Sam to the equation, an extra set of hands and such, but with Sam comes more stuff to carry. Any concerns I have about making it from the car to the gate are dwarfed, however, by the very real fear of having my life threatened by other passengers when my daughter cries through the entire flight. Speaking of which, it's a six hour flight, and Bella's eating every 2 or 3 hours, what's the etiquette there? Do I hole up in the bathroom? Or do I hope that Sam and a blanket will provide us with enough privacy that the entire first class cabin doesn't end up with a free show?

Uncertainty as to the feasibility of air travel aside, I'm thoroughly looking forward to seeing the ocean again. I'm looking forward to jogging down the beach and laying by the pool and nothing's going to stop me from looking good in last summer's bikini again. More than anything though, I'm looking forward to the campaign itself. Don't get me wrong-- Bella's kept me busy enough that at times I miss how rested I felt after a week of 22 hour long White House days, but I find myself longing for a level of intellectual stimulation that a two-week-old baby simply can't provide. I miss talking to other adults. Miles came by yesterday and I realized that I'm woefully out of touch with the world around me. It's harder to focus on the Post or the Times or even CNN when your days are spent cleaning up spit up. I'd never admit it to him, but Miles could kick my ass with one hand tied behind his back right now.

I need to bone up on California politics this weekend.
 
 
CJ Cregg
21 May 2006 @ 12:02 am
Bella Marie Cregg-Seaborn was born on Wednesday, May 17th. She looks like her father-- she's gorgeous, all nine pounds eleven ounces of her. It all seems so much more real now that we're home, and the (almost) nine months I had to get ready for this in no way prepared me for the reality of having her here. It's incredible. She's taken to breastfeeding like a champ, although I have yet to get completely comfortable with it. I feel like a dairy cow, and somehow I let myself believe certain things would simply Not Happen to me. I should have known better after I was quite clearly proven wrong regarding my idea of how painful natural childbirth would be. I'm utterly terrified of needles and the though of anyone putting one into my spine still makes me queasy, but if I had it to do over again, I'd get the fucking epidural.

I was also mistaken when I allowed myself to believe that My Child Will Sleep Through The Night. I'm slowly resigning myself to the fact that I'm never going to sleep again unless I shadow her, sleeping for an hour and a half or so at a time. The only problem with this is it denies me the chance to watch her sleep, an activity I've found to be remarkably fascinating over the past few days.

For all that I find her sleep to be fascinating, I don't think it holds a candle to how amazing Sam seems to think this whole thing is. He's wonderful with her, and it's absolutely adorable to watch. He's fallen completely and totally in love, and if it were anyone else, I might be jealous. Then again, I didn't realize until we got home this afternoon that I'd managed to forget his birthday, so I have no right to complain. (To be fair, I'm not sure he remembered either).

We're home. The baby's healthy. We're together. When I think about that, the rest of it ceases to matter.
 
 
CJ Cregg
29 April 2006 @ 10:59 am
Spin Cycle's changing time slots. Or, rather, adding them. MSNBC pulled another show that was doing terribly and decided to fill in with, well, us, and God forbid they air a rerun. Mondays and Fridays used to be light days for me. Not so much anymore. If the idea didn't have Miles so absolutely tickled, I'd have said no.

Well, that, and with the added shows means having enough time left in the season to have candidates on for guest spots. I've been wanting to rip into a few people for quite a while now. Ironically, the ones I'm most excited about giving a hard time to are the Democrats. Press secretaries should be afraid.

I met Miles for breakfast this morning, and he's utterly giddy. He's apparently, been wanting to go after a specific Republican since the guy announced his candidacy. For the sake of my dear co-anchor's reputation, I'm not naming names. It's kind of cute to watch a grown man literally bouncing up and down in excitement. Honestly, I'm pretty damn happy with it myself, and if I hadn't gained 30 pounds in the last nine months, I might have been bouncing as well. I did not bounce, however. I'm relatively certain that bouncing would have done major structural damage to my chair.

We got the final word yesterday and Tim, on hearing that his poor, pregnant, over-tired-as-is sister's workload just tripled announced that he's not going home until the baby's born. When I got back from breakfast this morning he was scrubbing my bathtub and blasting Madonna's new CD so loudly the first thing I had to deal with was the neighbor knocking on the door to complain. I didn't even know Madonna had a new CD out. Tim seemed to be genuinely shocked and offended by this information, until my neighbor knocked on the door and asked if we'd mind turning it down. Tim found all of this absolutely hysterical and is still giggling. I'll take the wrath of the neighbors to see Tim smile like that. That, and I'm not about to complain about having acquired a live-in maid.

And wow, it's always rather odd to see your husband on television when you weren't expecting it. CNN just played back a clip from a thing, and God, Sam, I love you dearly but you need to eat. Also do something with your hair.
 
 
CJ Cregg
19 April 2006 @ 06:18 pm
My brother is a cruel man.

He's been in town for a few days (at least I assume it's a few days) and was kind enough to take me out to dinner tonight. Dinner, where he proceeded to order sashimi for himself. That wouldn't have been so bad had it not been for the look of pure ecstasy on his face every time he took a bite. He also spent a good portion of the night flirting with the waiter, something I'd usually find to be rather amusing, except that every minute my brother spent flirting was a minute longer it took for me to get my dinner.

i asked him tonight when he plans to go home. I never did get a straight answer out of him, although he did admit what I kind of suspected when he showed up on Friday. Michael, the guy he'd been seeing who I thought was pretty good for him, is history. I'm not sure if he gets bored or scared, but ever since Dave he's been unable to keep anyone around for more than a few months. Michael, though... I am a bit surprised, honestly. I'm pretty sure we both thought this one would stick, and Tim really didn't see it coming. He loved him, I think, not something I thought I'd ever say about my brother again.

So we make quite a pair, Tim and I. Him pretending he's in less pain than he is, me pretending I'm not as glad to have him here as I am. Admittedly, I was more glad to have him here before the ahi tuna and the crack he made about my walk turning into a waddle, but I'm glad to have him here all the same. (For the record, Tim's about the only person in the world who could tease me about this pregnancy and live to tell the tale.) A part of me hopes he'll stay until the baby's born. The company's really, really nice, when he cooks the food is absolutely incredible, and this morning he was able to point out that I was wearing two different shoes. I can't see my feet anymore, I need someone to tell me these things.

Having Sam here this weekend too... It's a good way to end one week and start another. My husband's an incredible man, and I've paid money for massages that didn't feel half as good as what he's capable of. My survival technique the last few months has been to simply force myself not to think about how much I miss him while he's in California until he's here, and then it hits me and I spend at least one night crying over it.

And then Danny Concannon went and won another Pulitzer. It was much deserved, Danny, congratulations. And, you know, if you're looking for a way to spend some of the prize money, I'm always up for lunch or dinner company.
 
 
CJ Cregg
16 April 2006 @ 02:13 am
I think I managed to eat my pre-pregnancy weight in chocolate today.

I've never been so glad Lent was over in my life.
 
 
 
CJ Cregg
04 April 2006 @ 01:35 am
[Private]

I'm blaming it on hormones. All of it. I'm even blaming the fact that I'm willing to blame anything on hormones on hormones.

My blow up with Carol? Hormones, exhaustion, and a bit of genuine frustration.

My inability to simply tell my husband I need him? Hormones, and the desperate desire to feel more in control than I actually do right now.

My unexpressed anger at Elaine for not being my mother? Hormones, and maybe a bit of grief thrown in for good measure.

My lack of sex drive, in spite of having an incredibly attractive husband who gives great massage in bed with me for the past few nights? Hormones, exhaustion, and the fact that everything hurts. Also, the acute awareness that I'm the size of a decent sized house right now, and there's absolutely no way that's attractive.

Forgetting to put a stamp on the Pepco bill? Hormones.

The hurt and anger over the fact that no one's shown any interest in throwing a baby shower for me? Hormones, a little bit of greed, and fear that as alone as I feel right now, I'm even more alone than I realized.

It doesn't help that one of the women in my yoga class who was due two weeks before me had her son on Saturday. From the eMail her husband had the instructor read to us, they're doing well, all things considered. Part of me is scared to death by the idea of giving birth too early, but a part of me thinks it wouldn't be that bad, if I knew she'd pull through.

It also doesn't help that my belly button seems to have taken on a life of it's own.

The fact that we're nowhere on a name for the baby is proving stressful as well. I don't mean a first name-- it feels odd to name someone before you even see them, and I refuse to choose a name because what if we pick one and fall in love with it, only to discover that the baby looks nothing like the name we've chosen for her? I'm talking about her last name. Part of me feels like all our problems would be solved if I'd just suck it up and hyphenate myself. God knows I'll be called by his name enough in the years to come, if I hyphenate now, at least I'll be able to maintain some hope of self-identity.

Speaking of self-identity, I've spent half my life defining myself by my work, and no matter how many times Miles and Vikki and David tell me I'm doing great, I watch the tapes and I know I could do better. After the fiasco that was last week's show, I'm not sure a live show's a great idea. So it doesn't help that I'm screwing up in the one area I've always excelled.

Sam's here now, and having him here feels like some kind of treat, as if Christmas came early. Spending time with my husband shouldn't feel like that. If I wasn't under contract, I'd have moved out there before air travel was taken off the table. As much as Dr. Klein's been my savior the past few months, she's no replacement for a husband who's there. And why the hell am I finding it so hard to put into words just how much I wish someone would pick up on the fact that I'm concerned enough about my husband's ability to be there that I asked my mother-in-law to be my birth coach?

Hormones. All of it.

[/Private]
 
 
CJ Cregg
17 March 2006 @ 01:53 am
[Friends-Locked]

My mother died 29 years ago today. Well, technically yesterday, really. It's hit me differently each year, and this year is no exception.

I miss her so incredibly much lately. That's not to say I don't miss her in general, but lately, it's more intense. There's so much I don't know, so much I wish I could ask her. I miss her, and I'm not sure how to manage the next few months, the next few years. How can I possibly be a mother without one of my own to turn to for help?

I miss my mother, and I've missed her for the last 29 years. I'm slowly accepting that missing her isn't something that will ever go away. Now it's just a matter of figuring out where to go from here.

[/Flock]
 
 
CJ Cregg
14 March 2006 @ 07:37 am
I just got a fucking speeding ticket.

The jerk claimed I was doing 50 in a 35 zone, which is ridiculous. I might have been going 40, maybe 45, but with all the potholes I have to dodge on my way to work, at fifty miles per hour my drive would have resembled an amusement park ride instead of a commute.

I'm almost eight months pregnant, does this asshole really think my bladder could take the inevitable jumping and flying that the poor state of street repair in the District would subject my 2005 baby blue Thunderbird to? He didn't seem impressed by this argument. Needless to say, I'm fighting it. Speaking of the Thunderbird, I think I've hit the point where I'm too big to actually enjoy driving it (another reason I know I couldn't have been doing 50). I'm thoroughly tempted to start stealing the keys to Sam's Lexus SUV. I bought the damn thing, and it's not like he's had much opportunity to drive it. It just sits in the garage, taunting me as I attempt to twist and bend and squeeze into a car that's a lot smaller than it seemed when I got it.

I bet that idiot cop wouldn't have pulled me over in a hybrid vehicle. I'm beginning to see the appeal.
 
 
CJ Cregg
06 March 2006 @ 03:11 am
If the White House Press Briefing room was half as organized as the press room backstage at the Oscar's appears to have been, I'd have never left. It's moderated. Reporters are assigned numbers and speak in turn. Reporters let their subject speak uninterrupted. Danny, why weren't you and the rest of the wolves so well behaved?

In case anyone missed my husband's (hopefully brief) journey into poetry, he pretty much wiped the floor with the rest of California's democratic gubernatorial hopefuls Friday night. I'm unbelievably proud of him, unbelievably nervous about the actual, you know, election. I'm more exhausted after the last few days of this campaign than I am after a week of my actual job. I'm not quite sure how Sam's kept it up this long.

I imagine it doesn't help that I've been up at 4:00 every morning on the phone with my office. To hear my co-anchor Miles talk, you'd think there was a big primary day coming up. You know, one of those things I'm supposed to sound informed about when I speak live on national television, broadcasting from a studio and supported by staff about 3,000 miles away from my current location. He's not a bad guy, Miles. For a Republican.

Wednesday can't come soon enough.
 
 
CJ Cregg
04 March 2006 @ 02:45 am
What the hell made me think giving up chocolate for lent was a good idea?

I'm twenty eight weeks pregnant. I've spent the last several months eating anything and everything that appealed to me.

Why did I pick something edible?

Why couldn't I have picked something easier, like sex? My husband's 3,000 miles away most of the time, it's not like I've been getting much action lately.

Is it too late to change my mind?